Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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