2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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