it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
