how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
