now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
