No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
