Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She said her name was "party"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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