I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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