I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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