I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
