After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
