i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
