maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
