I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
