I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
