i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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