1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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