I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
