you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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