If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize