i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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