haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
