she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
