I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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