Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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