Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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