my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
