i jhust puked up my retainher.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize