Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
