I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
