It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
