I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
