he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
two words...techno handjob
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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