You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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