I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up under a house in Key West
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
