There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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