I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
