It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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