dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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