Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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