Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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