im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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