I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
