i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
