someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
