It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
