I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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