He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
