you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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