its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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