So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
