I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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