insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
