I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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