so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
