The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
