I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
